At the invitation of a dear friend, I attended the first in a series of summer bible studies at Covenant Presbyterian Church this morning. The topic was a biblical study of Mother/Daughter relationships and the speaker was Kay Gresham. I intended to polish up on my mothering skills with Kate but found that it was much more than that. It had as much to do with being the daughter as it was being the Mom. It was the first time I have ever taken a biblical journey as it relates to the dynamics of this very special and often complicated relationship.
1. 'Obey'. We first began in Ephesians 6 on the topic of obeying. Verse 1 reads, "Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right." It is important for children to learn to obey their parents, most obviously, for protection and safety reasons. We also want them to obey because we have past experience in areas that will save them from hardship. But the most important reason is that obedient children obey God. Proverbs 23: 13-14 says, "Do not withhold discipline from a child; if you punish him with the rod, he will not die. Punish him with the rod and save his soul from death." Get your children's attention at a young age or you, and your children, will pay the price when they are old enough to start making their own choices in life. A pop on the backside wakes a 3 year old up to the dangers of crossing the street verses a dissertation on why cars can hurt you. You need to start early with children. Their lives are in your hands.
2. 'Learning to Be an Adult'. Ephesians 6:2 says, "Honor your father and mother which is the first commandment with a promise." And Exodus 20:12 says, "Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you." When you become an adult, God asks you to honor but he does not say obey. This is the time in your life where you learn that your Mother is not always right. This can be an eye opening experience as your relationship moves from Adult-Child to Adult-Adult. Mother's make mistakes. They are not perfect. It's time to make your own way, but God tells you to always show honor. Proverbs 10:12 tells us that "Hatred stirs up dissension, but love covers over all wrongs." In other words, love makes excuses for bad behavior. Mom's or Mom-in-laws don't take correction very well. Honor them. Then go home and do your own thing.
Continuing along with 'Learning to be an Adult', Genesis 2:24 reads, "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." The first allegiance is to your husband not to your mother or father. Criticize your husband only to God not to your Mother. She cannot change him, and she will remember everything negative you have shared. In fact, many times we find ourselves reverting back to childhood when we go to our parents home. Do not regress to childhood. As adults, we need to do our part and help out. Do not load your Mom down with your problems. Many times we dump all of our problems on Mom and then our situation changes. We go off having a good time and she is left with our baggage.
3. 'Learning to Train Our Children'. Proverbs 22:6 says, "Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." And Proverbs 13:24, "He who spares the rod hates his son, but he who loves him is careful to discipline him." I honestly never realized how many passages spoke directly about the importance of discipline. Sometimes I am guilt-ridden thinking I'm too tough on Kate. Feeling bad with the thought that I have scarred her for life. The bible tells us that hard work needs to be done now so that she will have the life God intended for her. God has given us a responsibility to produce obedient (NOT PERFECT) children. That's a big one in this day and age. Nowhere does the bible tells us that we should be raising perfect children. They should be raised to be obedient to authority. Obedient children are children other people like. Proverbs 29:17 "Discipline your son, and he will give you peace; he will bring delight to your soul." And Proverbs 19:18 "Discipline your son, for in that there is hope; do not be a willing party to his death." She talked about the Kent State tragedy and the Mother of the shooter being interviewed. The Mother said, "It would have been better if he had just died." You don't ever want to have to get to that place with your child.
4. 'Learning to Let Go'. If our children loved us the way we love them they'd never leave home. Training is over when they become adults. Not during college. But after when they are young adults ready to head out into the world. Train up a child but let them go when it is time for them to start their own lives. Don't tell your daughter her house is messy. The Mother is out of line. TRAINING IS OVER. It's not up to the Mother to take charge anymore. It is not a Mother's business to raise her daughters children, deal with her husband, clean her house, or make sure she is saving money correctly. The most important thing is the relationship. The daughter should train her own children the way she wants to. Her rules. Mother's should make harmony. It is God who holds the daughter responsible, not the Mother. Wait to be asked for advice. Don't discipline the grandchildren in front of the daughter. Do not criticize her husband and don't be nosy and ask too many questions. Wait for her to come to you. Amazing things come from patience and grace. Trust God.
5. 'Learning to Serve'. Be realistic about a Mother's abilities as she ages. In Ecclesiastes 12: 1-7, God describes what the elderly deal with. "Remember your Creator in the days of your youth, before the days of trouble come and the years approach when you will say, I find no pleasure in them before the sun and light and the moon and the stars grow dark, and the clouds return after the rain; when the keepers of the house tremble, and the strong men stoop, when the grinders cease because they are few, and those looking through the windows grow dim; when the doors to the street are closed and the sound of grinding fades; when men rise up at the sound of birds, but all their songs grow faint; when men are afraid of heights and of dangers in the streets; when the almond tree blossoms and the grasshopper drags himself along and desire no longer is stirred. Then man goes to his eternal home and mourners go about the streets. Remember him before the silver cord is severed, or the golden bowl is broken; before the pitcher is shattered at the spring, or the wheel broken at the well, and the dust returns to the ground it came from, and the spirit returns to God who gave it." God's plan for us is to run down so we long for heaven. Set some boundaries of time wise with your Mother and remember that your first priority is your husband and children. Don't be controlled. Encourage grandchildren to visit your Mom as often as possible. Remember, you are teaching them how you want to be treated. You will be in their care one day. They will adopt this attitude from you. Respect her but don't be afraid to overrule. You started with her in this world as Adult to Child, then it became Adult to Adult, and then it becomes Child to Adult. You will have to guide her in tough choices as she ages. When to stop driving and what purchases they should and should not make. Make sure you call her everyday and always send notes and treats to brighten her day. Always make plans so she can have the joy of anticipation. Surprises are not desirable.
6. Learning to Give Up Your Rights. Philippians 2: 3-4 says, "Do nothing out of selfish ambition or vain conceit, but in humility consider others better than yourselves. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others." No one wants to be dependent on a child. But there will be a time when you will be dependent. 1)Realize you will not always be independent. 2)Work at being flexible. What is best for my children. 3)Work at being agreeable. Try not to always argue. 4)Be thankful even if we are dependent. Have a thankful heart for our children. 5)Play the Glad Game like Pollyanna. In Romans 8:8 we learn "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose." Take a look around you and be thankful for what is good in the world. 6)Psalm 71: 7-9 is good for people who are getting there. "I have become like a portent to many, but you are my strong refuge. My mouth is filled with your praise, declaring your splendor all day long." And verse 18 "Even when I am old and gray, do not forsake me, O God, till I declare your power to the next generation, your might to all who are to come." 7)Be happy, content, and flexible. Focus on Jesus. 8)Be interested in others and take focus away from yourself. We are all preparing today to be elderly one day. To be content and thankful when you are elderly, you must have God.
Kay closed with the following...Unless you have asked Christ in to your life, you can never leave your Mom for your husband. It's hard to be a parent and train obedient children. It's much easier to be lazy. If you don't train them when they are young there will be hell to pay when they are teens. Obedient teens obey Christ. Letting go requires a tremendous amount of prayer. It is both amazing and a privilege to serve your Mother as she ages. It is commanded by God and it pleases him. Be aware of your life and what is to coming or it will wash you away.
LizzieB
