Thursday, May 12, 2011

Remember Me

If the Lord delight's in a man's way,
He makes his steps firm;
though he may stumble, he will not fall,
for the Lord upholds him with His hand.
-Psalm 37:23

For the first time in much too long, I sat down this morning to reflect on God's word.  I had intended to be visiting a parishoner this morning, but she had fallen ill.  I decided to take this unexpected gift of time and hang out with God for a little while.  I always intend to do this, think about it often, crave it, but ultimately fall short. Today I was going to make it happen.

I started with my Day by Day and read Luke 5:1-11 about Jesus asking Simon to take him out a little ways from shore.  Before asking them to put out their nets, he hung out with them in the boat for a little while.  Can you imagine hanging out with Jesus for the first time?  "Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch,"  he said.  Weary from working all night with nothing to show for it, Simon put out his net.  Nets so full, they started to break.  God's bountiful, beautiful, perfect love had been taught and demonstrated to these unsuspecting souls.  Men, who would now give up everything.  Leave their livlihoods and families at the shoreline and follow this man they had only briefly met. 

I sit here wondering why my intentional time with God is so fragmented.  My Day to Day flips me to Psalm 37.  I begin to learn some things about myself as I read this aloud.  I stop on 37:8 as if highlighted, bolded and jumping off the page. "Refrain from anger and turn away from wrath".  It should then read...Or Massive Guilt To Follow.  I'm a Mom.  Anger and Wrath are part of my persona.  I quickly right down these words.  Encourage.  Respect.  Love.  Nurture.  Lead.  Explain.  Visualize.  Touch.  Sing.  Smile.  Laugh.  Care.  Comfort.  Protect.  Understand.  Trust God.  Ask God.  Aha....REMEMBER GOD.  And then there it is emblazoned on my heart...Remember God.  In all the fretting and worrying and yelling, Remember God is my answer. 

Scared I will forget, I quickly right it down on my hand and add the words "in darkness.  He is in control.  Not me."  I write it down two more times on paper so it is firm and planted.  "Remember God in the darkness.  He is in control, not me."

My Darkness:  Irritation with Kate (remember God); deeper relationship with my sister (remember God); hormones (remember God); too many glasses of wine (remember God); Judgement (remember God); the massive guilt that follows all of this (remember God).

In all the darkness, God asks us to look to him.  To remember him.  To trust him.  To love him.  He is the goodness in all of our lives.  God is smiling at me now.  I can feel it.  I am in his favor.  I quickly run to my printer.  I have a brilliant idea.  I steal a piece of printer paper which I forbid Kate to use for notes and artwork (but she does anyway), and begin to write her a note.  She sends me love notes all the time.  It's my time to send one to her.

Dear Kate:

I love you so much.  Today I was reading my bible and I came across Psalm 37:8.  Refrain from anger and turn away from wrath.  It made me think of how angry and mean I am with you some days.  I should never treat you this way.  You do not deserve it.  God is in control of my life and your life.  He made us exactly the way we are supposed to be.  I am sorry if I have ever made you feel bad about soccer or school or TKD.  You are Gods's special girl and He is always proud of you because He made you in His own perfect way.  I love being your Mama and I promise to do better and trust that God knows best for all of us.  You are the most amazing daughter.  You are a special delivery from God to me.  (Heart)  Mommy. 

Thank you Lord for blessing me with this time today.  For giving me the courage to write about it.  And for helping me remember that you and only you are in control.

Lizze.B

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